3/27/08
Was That Me You Just Put Through The Wood Chipper?
I can always tell when I have had a good therapy session. My eyes are red, my nose is running, and my chest feels slightly compressed. For some reason I feel better after one of these types of sessions. It's good to roll up my sleeves with the knowledge that there is work to be done here. Thank you all you hard-working therapists
3/26/08
Man oh man oh man
Man oh man oh man, but my place was a hoot and a holler last night! I had just got home, started heating the oven, set my baby on the floor, and stepped into the garage to start a load of laundry. When I did so the door slammed shut behind me and triggered the spring activated mechanism in the doornob. So there I was, locked out of the house with a screaming and terrified 11 month old baby locked inside. I had one saving grace. I am a client of the South Lake Tahoe Women's Center and a resident of their transitional housing program, and as such, had access to advocates with keys. Of course, my phone was inside the house, with the baby, who by now was crawling out of the kitchen screaming and trying to find me. I had to do something and do it fast so I stepped out of my comfort zone, and went to a neighbor I had never spoken to EVER and asked if I could use her phone. Sensing how distraught I was, she immediately accompanied me back and helped me maintain verbal and eye contact with my sweet, poor, paniced little one through the living room window. I had used the phone to call a crisis counselor (Advocate #1) who began to try to call someone with a key. Unable to reach anyone, within 10 minutes he had called our local police who responded quite quickly. Here is where my readers need to use their visualization skills and picture what I'm telling you. One police officer was at my garage door trying to trip the lock with the help of my neighbor's husband, another police officer was maintaining a sense of order and calm,(NOT EASY) and my neighbor and Iwere trying to keep my baby from moving out of our sight by tapping on the window and talking, and my little one screaming, scared, hearing noises from people trying to rescue her, only she doesn't know that! Imagine, dear readers, my relief as as Advocate number two shows up. She does not have a key but she has come to let me know I am not alone. This crisis is not mine to bear by myself, because I have people who care and understand. This is so important to victims of domestic violence, because we are often isolated and misunderstood. Advocate number two tells me she had another advocate (number three) on the way with a key. Within five minutes advocate number three reaches the driveway, leaps out of her car, and runs to the door with the key. My neighbor, advocates number two and three and I all pile into the house en masse to rescue my baby. Remarkably, even though she had been trapped inside the house and crying for a little over an hour she recovered within ten minutes. She needed to be held in my arms all night while we slept, but I didn't mind doing it one bit. One of the first things I did today was copy the house key. (Hindsight is always 20/20,right?).
I feel stronger today. Stronger within my person because I reached out to strangers, received the aid and support I needed, and was validated by others that yes, this was indeed a bad thing happening. This is very big to a survivor. So many times we reach out and are not validated, we are not helped, we are Just not heard. Because of this, I would like to thank the following people:
Advocate #1- How rare it is to see a man volunteering on behalf of women. You are on the frontline, brother.
SLTPD- To the two officers who responded to the 911 call, I was so focused on my child, I do not even know who you were. God bless you.
My kind and understanding neighbors- You have shown me that I do not have to be afraid to know who you live next to. Thank you.
Advocate#2- You couln't solve the immediate problem but you damn sure were not going to let me go through it alone.You rock.
Advocate #3- When I saw you run to my door, run; not walk, you let me know there was no doubt how much I and my daughter mean to you. I will never forget , and you hold the key to our hearts.(everyone say awwwwww)
SLTWC- Without you this blog, this article, and the people it touches, would not exist. It is because of you that I am the woman I am today. There are no words to thank you, since they are pathetically inadequate.
Peace to all, and play nice.
I feel stronger today. Stronger within my person because I reached out to strangers, received the aid and support I needed, and was validated by others that yes, this was indeed a bad thing happening. This is very big to a survivor. So many times we reach out and are not validated, we are not helped, we are Just not heard. Because of this, I would like to thank the following people:
Advocate #1- How rare it is to see a man volunteering on behalf of women. You are on the frontline, brother.
SLTPD- To the two officers who responded to the 911 call, I was so focused on my child, I do not even know who you were. God bless you.
My kind and understanding neighbors- You have shown me that I do not have to be afraid to know who you live next to. Thank you.
Advocate#2- You couln't solve the immediate problem but you damn sure were not going to let me go through it alone.You rock.
Advocate #3- When I saw you run to my door, run; not walk, you let me know there was no doubt how much I and my daughter mean to you. I will never forget , and you hold the key to our hearts.(everyone say awwwwww)
SLTWC- Without you this blog, this article, and the people it touches, would not exist. It is because of you that I am the woman I am today. There are no words to thank you, since they are pathetically inadequate.
Peace to all, and play nice.
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3/25/08
How I Got Here
Like I really want to be on-line thought-vomiting, but as I said before, it's time. Time for a new start, new growth, and new thinking. My life journey began in my childhood. Growing up surrounded by domestic violence, I grew into a woman who developed relationships that were detrimental to my person. Now in my 40's, I am a survivor, trying to be a thriver. So how do I achieve that? Currently I see a therapist once every other week. Her name is Susan, and she just told me that she feels I am psychologically sturdy enough to progress to that type of a schedule. YIKES! Last year I damn near had a breakdown when she took a two week break during a visit from her sister. I'm ashamed to say this in public, but I have promised to be as honest as possible, so here goes.....I didn't handle it well at all when she told me, I even insulted her sister! God bless her, she has kept me as a client! To all you therapists, I salute and thank you. I also attend two groups once a week, but I'll talk about them later.
The thing you should know about me is that domestic violence has devastated my life to the point that it contributed to the loss of four of my children, my babies, my breath. I grieve for them every day, every minute, every heartbeat. These children have and will continue to grow up with angry and violent fathers who will perpetuate the cycle of violence within their families and therefore my children will too. Folks don't think for a single minute that this problem doesn't affect you. One of my sons could marry your daughter, hurt your sister, or hit your mother. Understanding the cycle of domestic violence is the key stopping it. So this is how I got here-I understand that I have the power to heal myself, my children , and others by exposing my worst and dirty secrets. I hope to prevent others from making the same horrible mistakes that I did, and enable healing all around.
The thing you should know about me is that domestic violence has devastated my life to the point that it contributed to the loss of four of my children, my babies, my breath. I grieve for them every day, every minute, every heartbeat. These children have and will continue to grow up with angry and violent fathers who will perpetuate the cycle of violence within their families and therefore my children will too. Folks don't think for a single minute that this problem doesn't affect you. One of my sons could marry your daughter, hurt your sister, or hit your mother. Understanding the cycle of domestic violence is the key stopping it. So this is how I got here-I understand that I have the power to heal myself, my children , and others by exposing my worst and dirty secrets. I hope to prevent others from making the same horrible mistakes that I did, and enable healing all around.
3/19/08
Why "Re-being"?
So I'm at this point in my life where I can desperately see the need for change in my life and the choices I make. That's why I've started this blog, I'm hoping that we can take this journey together. As I struggle with the aftermath of some of the decisions I make, it seems that I often find myself alone and I am wondering if you do too. I promise to keep this as honest as I can, no matter how painful. So let us do this together, and become who our spirits are trying to help us to be. Let us reclaim who we are by exploring issues common to us all, such as: spirituality, ethics, owning up, etc...I will try to blog mon-thurs and am eager to share this experience with you. Tomorrow's blog- How Did I Get Here?
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